Woke up early today on account of a vivid dream....I had just been told that I had terminal cancer and I had to tell my family. It was realistic and I felt in my heart that I was going to die...and I was fine with it.
On the one hand, it would be a relief to check out early....and in reviewing my "accomplishments" I would say that I've helped others to achieve their potential. How many people can say that? As a teacher, I get the opportunity to truly further my students...to smile at them, to laugh with them, and to cry with them.
On the other hand, I'm not done yet. I have more children to nurture, including my own. My boys aren't grown up yet, and they both need me to provide my whacky mothering skills until they reach adulthood. And hopefully beyond.
I don't have a death wish; I'm sure my dream was as a result of a young colleague of mine who's husband has aggressive brain cancer. There is a benefit for him coming up soon. But I do feel life is hard at times, when my depressive thoughts seep in, and it might be nice just to rest. A permanent rest. A deep, satisfying rest.
But other than that, all is well. I am well, Mentally and physically, i am thriving. I am truly loving my job this year: I finally feel like I know what the fuck I'm doing. I have lots to learn, but I have the fundamentals down and am teaching the hell out of these kids. High standards and high energy and low stress -- that's what I strive for.
I think I might go into my darkroom this weekend to relax. But then again, I might just sit here and play on the puter all day. Either way, I'm doing well putting stress behind me and putting fun in the forefront.
So I'm numbly well.
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